The Arsenal board of directors has released a statement to confirm that manager Arsène Wenger will not be sacked until he consumes a live puppy in the centre circle at the Emirates. 

However, chairman Sir Fish Chiswick told our news team that the juvenile canine would have to be ‘of a particularly rare and desirable breed’ for termination of employment to be considered.

He added: ‘If the object of Arsène’s unquenchable domestic pet bloodlust was a golden retriever or Yorkshire terrier, the board would take the view that it would be necessary for a young squad in transition.’

’Actually, on second thoughts, we would probably just request a meeting to explain his actions and then extend his contract by five years.’

’He has already said that he will choose the time that he leaves the club – this isn’t a sign that the board has total confidence in him, but more the fact that we’re all his corporate bitches.’

’He’s already told us that we’re on a final warning after the Forest defeat in the cup.’

’Straight after the final whistle, he burst into the executive lounge at the City Ground and told us that the 4-2 reversal was unacceptable and demanded some answers.’

’We offered him £150m to dip into the transfer market in January and this just made him red-faced in outrage as the £2.2m he just laid out for Kostas Fuckallidis was apparently a result of ‘outrageous inflation in the market.’

A spokesperson for Wenger said: ‘I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Mugabe ain’t got shit on me.’

’Nobody’s gonna pop this motherfucker.’