The entire Arsenal squad has tested positive for being utter fucking dogshit.

Shortly after the 2-1 defeat to Brighton and Hove Albion on Saturday, the swab tests were administered at the Amex Arena.

A source said that medics were not looking for any performance enhancing drugs because no human could possibly be juiced to the tits and play that badly.

There has already been an angry reaction on Arsenal Fan TV where Claude and Ty got so angry with each other that they somehow managed to jump across the screen on Zoom and Robbie had to step in.

Speaking after the match, majority shareholder Stan Kroenke said, ‘It was a rootin’ tootin’ humdinger of a hootenanny from my Finsbury Red Sox boys today.’

‘Go soccer!’