A five-month-old baby from Southend On Sea in Essex has confirmed that he would rather spend two hours screaming because he is knackered than just give up and go to sleep anyway.

Little Jeremiah Smith told our news team that actually just going to sleep instead of a mega-tantrum could rob him of vital time that he could spend shitting himself or bringing up milk that was consumed earlier in the day.

He added, ‘It’s the classic scenario of ignoring a solution to a problem and just concentrating on the problem, sort of like an adult taking a dump in the airing cupboard because the toilet is at least five yards away.’

‘To be fair, my mind is all over the place at the moment anyway. It is incredibly hard work saving up every fluid ounce of piss for the precise moment when my nappy comes off.’

‘I think the record is three metres, but I have been doing my baby kegels this week so I am hoping for at least four.’