Basildon town centre was evacuated this morning after a member of the public called 999 to report a suspect package.

According to witnesses at the scene, a 31-year-old local male with a Staffordshire Terrier called Tyson was spotted with a trouser bulge that ‘would make Linford Christie’s look like something from the chipolata counter at Waitrose.’

Michelle Garridge said, ‘I remember seeing a guy with a dog outside Primark just after 9am, and that’s when I noticed his tracksuit bottoms. I told my mate Chloe that there would probably be enough for the two of us down there.’

‘This made me suspicious as the majority of natives in the area are the ’20-inch biceps, two-inch wanger and a bit of a temper’ type, so I called the police immediately.’

‘Within sixty seconds, we were being ordered to leave the area while armed police surrounded him and ordered him to drop his trousers.’

PC Oliver Peacie of the Basildon Taskforce said, ‘We attended a report of a suspect package in Basildon town centre today.’

‘After an armed response unit arrived, a male was asked to remove his trousers in the interests of public safety, and it emerged that he was in the process of exaggerating his endowment through the use of a four-pack of Slazenger socks from Sports Direct.’

‘Initial enquiries have revealed that he was trying to impress the blonde sort who works in Poundland, and so we provided him with advice but took no further action.’

‘This mainly consisted of telling him that she would be more impressed by the thickness of his sovereign and a lack of an electronic tag – the latter allowing various stages of courtship at Festival Leisure Park.’