Boris Johnson has waded into the current historic drugs debate between a number of different Tory leadership contenders by admitting, ‘I’m actually off my f*****g tits right now.’

Speaking to journalists, he said, ‘What explanation could there actually be? Nobody reaches this level of manic lunacy without a heady cocktail of disco biscuits, raaraa juice and something I found growing next to the M25 last Thursday.’

‘Everyone else wants to score points by talking about their narcotic habits from 20 years ago, but I haven’t felt my own teeth since The Gulf War. The first one.’

Johnson then paused briefly to bop out of rhythm to the sound of a passing ice cream van.

He continued, ‘Anyone comparing Muslim women to letterboxes must be higher than Eric Pickles’ BMI.’

‘I also want to commend Jeremy Hunt for his honesty. Christ knows what he was on when he was in charge of the NHS as well – probably made Bez look like Mother Theresa.’

Meanwhile, a close friend of Michael Gove has revealed that the ex-education secretary was a dull buttock-faced gimboid when he was on the booger sugar as well.

He said, ‘We didn’t tell him at the time, but it was actually the contents of a Sherbert Dib-Dab – the silly bollocks couldn’t tell the difference.’

IMPORTANT LEGAL NOTE: Boris Johnson is not a colossal smack granny. Any insinuation that this is the case is purely satirical and all content of this article has been checked by our legal team who often can be found gathered under the railway bridge on Southend High Street.