A spokesperson in 10 Downing Street has confirmed that the Prime Minister will address the nation at 10pm this evening on television, with the majority of the broadcast just being Mr Johnson dividing a huge cash pile into little envelopes for NHS hospitals all around the UK.
Sources have already spotted a huge lorry pulling up in Westminster today containing the £350m in £10 notes – the truck was originally on its way to Brussels for its regular weekly drop-off.
One source said, ‘Boris has been rehearsing all day, licking his counting finger, pulling back the strips on self-adhesive envelopes, and so on.’
‘There have been some people saying that the money was never promised to the NHS on that big red bus, and they have a good point.’
‘Just because it said, ‘Let’s fund our NHS instead’ underneath a huge sign saying ‘We send the EU £350m a week’ doesn’t mean that the two concepts were linked at all.’
‘No idea why people keep making that assumption. Probably project fear or something.’