A spokesperson for the London and South East Bowling Alley Union (LSEBAU) has confirmed that a number of bowling alleys in the region will remain closed until 6pm on Monday evening due to STRIKE ACTION. 

According to divisional organised Malcolm Pinnington, a planned change that will force members of the public to find their own bowling shoes and spray them out afterwards is an ‘unacceptable compromise in public safety.’

Malcolm added: ‘Management are essentially asking people to reach behind the counter and grab their own shoes while putting their outdoor pair into the vacated pigeon hole – it’s a recipe for disaster.’

‘How long will it be until someone accidentally puts on a pair that is three sizes too large, runs down a bowling lane, falls over and breaks their leg?’

‘Also, asking people to spray the shoes out before putting them back could result in people inhaling deadly cleaning fumes, or even deadly foot fumes from the previous occupant.’

‘We have even heard a report of one alley asking members of the public to fetch their own hotdogs from the rolling sausage machine. It’s madness – mustard dispensers should only be operated by trained individuals.’

‘We have already organised a number of meetings with management at an arbitration centre, but all that they keep telling us is that charging £30 for a family of four to go bowling on a Saturday night won’t cover the staffing costs.’

‘Those toy grabbing machines are a bastard to maintain as well. You’ve always got some toddler trying to get through the flap because the latest Minion is resting perilously close to the edge of the prize chute.’

Jeremy Splitter runs the Kensington Bowlympia in West London and Bowld Street near Liverpool Street, and he told our Chief Reporter that he was ‘sick and tired’ of the unions holding the public to ransom. 

He added: ‘There is nothing unsafe about unmanned bowling alleys. We don’t expect customers to walk down to the end and pick up pins that are stuck in the mechanism – all our lanes have intercoms installed an a trained engineer can be on site within 90 minutes.’