A spokesperson for Essex Police has confirmed that armed officers are about to enter a BP garage in Southend On Sea where an employee is reportedly holding a lady hostage until she accepts a new NECTAR CARD.
Community Officer PC Reginald Pisi said: ‘At 8.43 this morning, a female motorist arrived at the BP garage in Fairfax Grove and put £35.65 of diesel in her Fiat Punto.’
‘When she got to the front of the queue to pay, she politely declined the offer of a Nectar card and this is when the employee asked ‘are you sure?’
‘At this stage the customer declined again, and she allegedly picked up a pair of sausage roll tongs from the adjoining Wild Bean Café and screamed at everyone to hit the floor – she then pulled the customer behind the counter.’
‘CCTV evidence shows that she has tied the customer to a panini toaster and the steam spout of the cappuccino machine is directly aimed at her right eye – she has made it clear that she will ‘unleash hell’ unless she takes one of the temporary loyalty cards and then completes her details online so it can be changed for a permanent plastic one.’
Shortly after 3pm, a 45-strong Special Ops. Team arrived from Chelmsford, and a full-scale assault of the forecourt is due ‘within the hour.’
PC Pisi added: ‘A negotiator has already tried and failed to resolve the situation by making it clear that the customer usually gets fuel at Tesco, but the suspect just screamed back that a Nectar card would still be worthwhile if she could just tweak her shopping routine a little each week.’
Local sources have named the BP employee as Nadia Nocashvalu. A brief search of her Facebook profile has confirmed that the Romanian national is a member of the recognised terrorist organisation Green Shield Front.
According to Wikipedia, Green Shield Front was formed in the 1960’s as a radicalised force to promote the fundamentalist Waffle Iron ideaology of the cleric Al Argosi.
This is the latest in a long line of dangerous loyalty card incidents to hit South Essex in recent months. The most troubling of these was in May 2016 when armed raiders stole 200 million Clubcard points from a Tesco Extra on the outskirts of Southend.