The A127 is currently closed at the Fairglen Interchange. For anyone who isn’t familiar with the area, this basically means that the major route out of South Essex is basically fucked beyond belief, and they might as well build a fucking Premier Inn in the middle of the Sadler’s fucking Farm roundabout.

Local motorist Stanley Still said: ‘It’s not just fucked. It’s like proper fucked, like someone pissing Lambrini onto a soggy kebab wrapped outside The Kursaal on a Friday night.’

‘People should just use the A13. Oh wait that’s fucked as well? Even after they spent like a billion fucking quid on it. Bastards.’

A spokesperson for Essex Highways began to deliver a brief statement before falling to his knees and begging the Gods of motoring to forgive his eternal soul.

Steve Reynolds, chairman of the 2018 Lucifer Admission Committee, told Southend News Network that he could ‘fuck right off.’ He added: ‘That ship has sailed motherfucker.’

In other news, it has also emerged that work on the Kent Elms junction will now not be completed until September 2019.

A spokesperson for Southend Borough Council said: ‘The signs saying Spring 2018 were produced in good faith and a feasibility study found that it would be too expensive to shift the entire season to a later date in the year.’

‘Unfortunately, work to replace a gas main will be delayed and this will have a knock-on effect on the rest of the project.’

‘However, local residents will benefit from the work as their gas will be gassier than ever before.’

‘We want Southend to become synonymous with ‘Gassy Gas.’

Rochford District Council declined to comment, however a source confirmed that they are considering installing some temporary traffic lights somewhere as a precaution to counteract ‘pleasing traffic flows.’