A spokesperson for the Euro 2016 organising body has confirmed that England will be forced to start this summer’s tournament on -3 POINTS due to a ‘serious breach’ of Financial Fair Play (FFP) rules – the decision could make it very difficult for The Three Lions to progress past the group stage in France. According to documents that have been leaked to Southend News Network, official England shirts for children have been priced at around £40 in the UK, with adult kits on the shelves for more than £50 in some places, and an independent panel at the Court of Arbirtration for Sport (CAS) concluded that ‘a significant amount of piss was being extracted.’

Court Communicator Jerome Southgate-Pearce said: ‘This latest breach was the latest in a line of rule infringements, and so our panel voted to uphold the punishment set out by the tournament organiser. We operate a ‘three strikes’ policy, and in the run up to Euro 2008 a significant amount of fan money was spent on following the England team without an actual qualification being achieved – the defence argument was that the fans were provided with a touchline show from a Dutchglish performer with an umbrella, but this claim was rejected. Although slightly better value was delivered to fans in Euro 2012, we still concluded that for the amount generated in income to be proportionate to success the England team would have had to become champions of the entire universe while also picking up the Masterchef and Wimbledon titles.’

In a further development, Mr Southgate-Pearce said that the tournament organisers would ‘instantly recognise’ the outcome of the June 23rd referendum where UK voters will decide if they wish to continue as a part of UEFA.