According to a number of media sources except the Daily Express, it is being reported this evening that Princess Diana remains in a state of death.

Although details are currently sketchy, a spokesperson for the Department of Royalty has issued a statement to confirm that her death in 1997 still stands.

It said: ‘We have noticed in recent decades that the Daily Express won’t leave Diana the fuck alone, and so we have been forced to clarify that Diana herself is still officially in a state that is technically referred to as ‘deceased.’

‘We should also point out that her sons William and Harry really appreciate every single fucking shred of her private life being dredged up and analysed by some double-barrelled Grade A royalist thundershite every five seconds.’

‘There are many occasions each day when they completely forget that their mother was killed in a horrible and tragic accident, and so it is a massive help to them.’

Nigella Farroge is a Daily Express reader from somewhere like Berkshire or Surrey or something, and she told Southend News Network that she was ‘astonished’ to hear that the Queen of Hearts was no longer around in the physical sense.

She said: ‘I almost dropped my ‘Princess Diana Sitting On A Bench’ commemorative plate when I heard the news, and it could have well triggered a domino effect and smashed the other 79 in the series.’

‘To be fair, I only voted for Brexit because she came to me in a dream and told me so.’