A spokesperson for 10 Downing Street has confirmed that the UK’s Brexit negotiating team has been withdrawn from Brussels, with Theresa May sending a formal letter requesting that the final deal be decided on penalties. 

He said, ‘Tonight has proved that it is a far more efficient way of getting the job done, and the spot is 12 yards out.’

‘Just perfect for every gammon Brexiteer wingnut insisting upon Imperial measurements.’

Baddiel, Skinner and The Lightning Seeds have already been commissioned to produce a song for the big occasion.

Three Red Lines (On The Back Of A Cigarette Packet) will be available on iTunes shortly.