A government source has confirmed that billions of vegans in the United Kingdom could be forced to start eating meat again as a ‘no deal Brexit’ would mean immediate shortages of soya.

According to one of the ‘technical documents’ that has been presented to our news desk, officials are expecting supplies of the meat substitute to reach record lows due to the amount that is imported from Lithuania every week, and similar issues have been forecast for Quorn, quinoa and that stuff from Holland and Barrett that tastes like ass but still somehow costs £11.95 a pack.

Our source said, ‘We have already started stockpiling these vegan-friendly ingredients, but we have calculated that even if we fill fifteen warehouses with these items, there will still only be enough to feed the people of Leigh On Sea for three days.’

‘However, we are predicting a post-Brexit boom for eggs, beef and honey, so the opportunities that Brexit will present for vegans far outweigh the drawbacks as far as we are concerned.’

‘As a precaution, we have already started drip-feeding beef dripping into the United Kingdom’s supply of almond milk.’