A spokesperson in Downing Street has confirmed that all laws relating to criminal damage have been temporarily suspended until 9am on Sunday as a result of England beating Sweden in the World Cup quarter-final.

He said, ‘Mrs May and her cabinet recognises that this could be a once in a lifetime experience for millions of people in Britain, so we have a special message for you all tonight.’

‘Go out. Get rat arsed. Break stuff. Shit in a letterbox. Vomit on a cat. What the hell! It’s coming home! It’s coming home!’

Dave Frunge has been drinking since 8am, picking up the pace after the final whistle blew in Russia, and he said, ‘Hooooooo yeah mate geez aaaaaaaaaaaaaah.’

‘Faaaaaaaaaakin ‘ell.’