Brits have been responding to advice to ‘stay apart’ due to a highly infections illness rampaging through the population by cramming themselves into supermarkets across the country.

According to many queuing up this morning, viral transmission is ‘impossible’ if you are able to shield your respiratory openings with a 24-pack of Andrex.

One 53-year-old man said, ‘No idea what this Vagisil is in my trolley, but there was only one left so I thought I’d better get it. You never know when your vagina might need freshening.’

A spokesperson for the UK Supermarket Alliance said, ‘That joint statement we put out this morning asking people not to panic buy might as well have been in fucking Swahili.’

‘It’s like buying a litter tray for your cat so he doesn’t take a shit in your tumble dryer, and then getting angry when you accidentally chuck a load of damp laundry on top of a kitty bum biscuit.’