Representatives of C2C Rail and Network Rail have confirmed that executives from the two companies have arranged to meet for a bareknuckle death fight after recent disputes over track issues led to everyone thinking that it was all C2C’s fault.

According to sources, issues with a broken rail at Upminster two days ago were ‘the last straw’ for the rail operator, whose directors pride themselves upon the company’s fantastic levels of commitment to customer service and communication at all times and through every possible means.

C2C’s president Dame Julia Jewellery said, ‘We’re not fucking about anymore. They all stand there in wanky hi-vis clothing next to the track where our customers can’t reach them, and our own hard-working staff have to deal with the fallout.’

‘How hard can it be to keep track in one piece, seriously. One more cock-up and we’re moving over to Brio.’

Network Rail’s President Dame Hattie Topham said, ‘Bring it the fuck on.’

‘We have booked the disused mainline platform at Plaistow next Friday night.’

‘Two of our guys, two of theirs, no holds barred.’

‘We’ve not nothing to worry about. Their top boy’s a sissy.’

London Underground have privately confirmed that a district line train will ‘break down’ at Plaistow shortly before the fight is due to begin, with tickets already changing hands for more than £500 – one-stop hoppers are subject to a £100 surcharge.