The South Essex town of Canvey Island has declared today that it has broken away from the United Kingdom and declared itself an Islamic Caliphate as a form of protest at the amount of traffic and ‘gridlock’ when trying to reach the mainland due to a lack of a third road off the island.
According to their leader Roscommon al-Vermuyden Libekh, formerly Morrisons deli counter worker Dave Smith, forming the so-called Islamic Caliphate of Canvey Island, or ICCI for short, is the only way to ensure that a third road link gets built, using extreme force if necessary.
Speaking exclusively to Southend News Network, al-Vermuyden Libekh said: ‘It is a disgrace that we are having to resort to Islamic fundamentalism to get our voices heard.’
‘The mainland of Castle Point won’t know what’s hit it unless our demands are met.’
‘In addition to a third road bridge, we also demand a Waitrose and a 15 mph limit on Roscommon Way without question.’
‘Once these are in place, we also insist upon a quadrupling of public toilet provision, and a permanent diversion of the c2c rail line so that it passes through a new station in the Knightswick Shopping Centre.’
We asked him to address the rumours that the death penalty has been reintroduced since they took power on the island.
He said: ‘Only for people found vandalising the benches on the seafront.’
A spokesperson for Castle Point Borough Council said: ‘Canvey Island? Bugger is that still ours?’
‘We thought it belonged to Southend or Sheppey or something. Bloody hell. Has someone been picking up the bins?’
In a late development, an elite team from the SAS has been deployed to resolve the situation and topple the caliphate – however their armoured vehicle is stuck at Sadlers Farm because it’s bollocksed.