There were chaotic scenes at Basildon station this afternoon after concerned members of the public smashed a number of windows on a train to free the clearly boiling hot and distressed passengers inside.

Witnesses on the 1620 from Fenchurch Street reported that the air conditioning wasn’t working on one of the hottest days of the year so far because of Network Rail or something, and while the train was waiting to pull off from Basildon a number of people waiting on the platform were forced to act because of the ‘catastrophic’ scenes within the carriage.

One said, ‘The doors on the train closed and I could see three or four people trying to fan themselves with the latest edition of c2c Wanky Corporate And Social Responsibility Monthly – one of them was even steaming from his ears.’

‘As soon as a small child started banging on the glass with his tongue out and begging for help, I ripped the ‘How May I Help You’ intercom machine off the platform and threw it straight through the window.’

‘Once I had cleared a gap, people started to escape, and I couldn’t believe that heat that hit me at first.’

‘One lady had a bag of King Edwards from Waitrose and by the time we pulled her to safety she was adding a tuna mayonnaise filling to the top and fluffing them with a fork.’

A spokesperson for the RSPCA said, ‘We were very disappointed to hear about the appalling scenes at Basildon Station earlier today.’

‘It’s bad enough putting human beings inside what is essentially a slow cooker with upholstery and suspect Wi-Fi, but to charge them five grand a year at the same time is ‘we’ll see you in The Hague pal’ territory.’

‘At the very least C2C need to start leaving bowls of water on the floor.’