The man at the centre of the Cheddar Man scandal has spoken out this evening after it emerged that thousands of people across the United Kingdom are unable to handle the fact that they are probably descended from someone with really dark skin.
According to the latest DNA analysis from some of the world’s top genetic professors, the earliest known British people had ‘dark skin,’ and the results have now been cross-checked and confirmed by the production team on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
We managed to speak to Cheddar Man for a few minutes this evening, and he told Southend News Network’s Chief Reporter that members of Britain First and a number of other right-wing groups are probably just ‘pissed off cos I is black.’
He added: ‘Check this. I has seen them all on Facebook aiight? Dissin’ me left right and centre.’
‘You can’t argue with science tho, you get me?’
‘Anyway, you all think I look a bit weird, you just wait until you meet me Julie Cheddar Girl.’
‘Me bitch look like a cross between <<racist quote removed at the request of Ofcom>> and one of dem GELFs off Red Dwarf.’
We ended our chat with Cheddar Man by asking him what life in Britain was really like 10,000 years ago.
He said: ‘Times were hard innit.’
‘Sometimes you would have to walk more than an hour to reach your nearest Costa, and veganism was just kicking off which was a bit shit cos everybody ate meat and they all just starved to death.’
‘They still managed to tell us about it by chiseling inspirational messages into cave walls tho.’