An investigation by the mainstream media has found that the worldwide mortality rate for Coronavirus has rocketed to 100% if you only count people who have died.
The revelation came after the government suggested that it may only continue to release information about confirmed cases of the virus weekly, a move that could see ad revenues and click counts plummet.
A source said, ‘We’re already having a tough time of things in the newspapers and news outlets online.’
‘Every time we dramatise a slight stock shortage and it goes on to become a mass hysteria of panic buying, everyone accuses us of making things worse in the pursuit of readership targets.’
‘No idea how people are coming to that conclusion. It’s nonsense. The two things are completely unrelated.’
In other news, toilet roll supply issues have also been attributed to a high number of journalists masturbating uncontrollably every time some poor bastard with Covid-19 actually pegs it.