The government has announced that £309m has been put aside to set up a counselling service for anyone with Liverpool-supporting friends who are going to become fucking unbearable in the next few weeks.

The news was included in Wednesday’s Coronavirus press briefing, with the Chief Medical Officer Professor Chris Whitty saying that the new service could potentially avoid millions of the bastards getting a punch in the face with a stern ‘shut the fuck up.’

He added, ‘They are bad enough when apparently ‘next year is their year.’

‘However, now that this year is actually going to be their … oh fucking hell I can’t even bring myself to talk about it.’

‘See I’m just thinking about it now and I want to twat the nearest government minister.’

‘Sir Patrick, let’s have some slides up or something mate. Top man.’