Today we’re joined by Michelle Garridge, an admin user on the popular Facebook group Mums, Mumming and Mummery – she is answering your relationship questions about bastard men that are all bastards. 

Hi Michelle. I found out last week that my husband shared an elevator with another girl who works in his building, although he didn’t talk to her or make eye contact. It’s been driving me mad and I have made him sleep in the spare room since. How can I forgive him? Chloe, Southend.

Oh Chloe! My heart goes out to you – if that was me I would have cut his cheating balls off by now, the utter prick. Just get rid of this loser and concentrate on your babies as they are your world.

Hi Michelle. I’m worried that my partner is thinking about other women when we have sex so that he is able to ejaculate. How can I get inside his brain and read every single thought that he has to make sure that he isn’t brain cheating? Natasha, Fambridge.

Oh Natasha Hun, it’s not your fault at all. The best thing to do is put matchsticks in his eyelids when you have sex so he can’t close his eyes and imaging nutting a full load on Kelly Brook’s shirt potatoes. Also, you could just cut his balls off or dump him and concentrate on your babies as they are your whole world.

Hi Michelle. I am really struggling to bring up seven children as a single mother. Do you have any tips for me? Carly, Basildon.

Oh Carly, babes! I think you need to find a nice man who doesn’t mind chucking a sausage down a corridor. Don’t forget to chop his balls off when you get bored. Remember it’s just you and your babies now.

Hi Michelle. My partner is the sweetest guy in the world and I love him to the moon and back – I just wanted everyone to know this! Jennifer, Benfleet.

Oh Jennifer, hunni. I think you need to lay down some ground rules for this utter waste of space. Have you considered removing his testicles?