A four-month-old baby from Southend On Sea has confirmed that she has been forced into a ‘cute’ Christmas outfit for the last f*cking time – she added that she is making plans to have both of her parents placed into a suitable nursing home at the earliest possible opportunity. 

Gemma Morris spoke exclusively to our Chief Reporter earlier today. 

She said: ‘Look at me. Just f*cking look at me. I look like a super-midget from the worst Christmas film ever. They think I don’t realise how much of a tw*t I look like at the moment. It’s scratchy as shite as well.’

‘It’s like they have been living in George and Matalan for the last six weeks or something, and then the silly bastards have the nerve to moan when I grow out of an outfit.’

‘I’m sorry that you keep feeding me milk every 3-4 hours and that my skeleton and muscular tissue are expanding at the rate that has become commonly acceptable among biologists – I’ll just stay at 14lb 12oz forever shall I?’

‘You bet your life I’m taking it all in. If I’m not sat on a sofa describing all of this to some psychotherapist in my late teens, I’ll be rifling through nursing home brochures to pick one out with the highest likelihood of mummy and daddy drowning in their own piss.’

‘They keep asking me why I hold my poo in until thirty seconds after each nappy change at the moment. Simple solution – dress me in something that doesn’t make me look like a page of the Baby Gap catalogue and my bowels will flow at more convenient intervals.’

‘I’d call Childline or something, but no bugger understands me at the moment. Look Who’s Talking is a load of bollocks believe me.’