Witnesses have reported that a dad playing mini-golf with his kids on Southend Seafront is convinced that the family-oriented activity is in fact Day 4 of the Ryder Cup. 

Sources revealed that 42-year-old Malcolm Tweed took 45 seconds to play his first shot, pausing to adjust his stance, drop little blades of grass for some reason and take multiple practice swings. 

He also allegedly reported his two-year-old son James to the clubhouse for giggling while he was preparing his shot and walking across his line of sight. 

One source added: ‘For some reason he arrived at Adventure Golf in full Sports Direct Clearance Sale mode, and all he keeps saying to his three kids is ‘it’s the only way you’ll learn.’

‘His oldest child just got a hole-in-one on the 12th and he forced him to buy everyone an ice cream in the club house as it is ‘traditional’ – he’s clearly off his rocker. One of the kids was given a red ball to play with and she keeps picking it up and saying ‘Twirlywoo’ – you can see the angry vein literally bursting out of his forehead.’

‘He’s already marked her scorecard with ten penalty strokes, but she honestly doesn’t seem to give a sh*t.’

Shortly after we spoke to our source, police were called to angry scenes at the course after Mr Tweed accused a group of five OAPs of ‘slow play’ while angrily waving his putter in an aggressive manner. 

While he was being bundled into the back of a police car, he was allegedly heard shouting about Rule 65b of the South-East Essex Mini-Golf Code of Conduct that ‘clearly states’ that: ‘Groups of five people or more must wave smaller groups through.’ 

He also accused the pensioners of being ‘f**king rabbits’ as the police took him away and his children were taken into protective custody.