In an exclusive interview with Southend News Network, the Brexit Secretary David Davis has confirmed that although originally he was going to negotiate Brexit, he’s afraid that he was very, very drunk.

He said, ‘Well 51.9% you see voted you see, and then of course David Cameron right which meant Theresa May, you see then she was in and then she told me she said go to Brussels you see.’

‘Tried to kiss Diane Abbott she was having none of it hnnnnnng yes very good.’

‘And I just was well! Michel, Jean-Claude and Donald yes with the European Court of Human Rights until 2021 at least or more, and I said PAH! PIFFLE! Stuff and nonsense. Heh heh.’

‘All I demanded I said I said err I said NO! Well, yes actually but NO! Well no, no, definitely not perhaps but yes OK then.’

‘Single Market and Customs Union you see which would be phwoaar cracking melons on her I know yes but marvellous it was so everything like before but different would be spiffing chaps.’

‘And then the Irish man wanted his border and I said LOOK HERE! Do what you are told Leo something or other but of course I had had had had a few by then what.’

‘Of course Jacob Mees-Rogg wants more raa raa raa but of course we have to consider a transmission period to ease us into Brexit but zergysshhureey why the hell not Farage wants war I’ll give him one.’

‘So now I’m not allowed to negotiate directly, and this is mainly because I was very, very drunk.’

Joke Credit: Twitter / Steve Anglesey / @sanglesey