A genetic research project that has been carried out in the wake of the Cheddar Man investigation has discovered that 94% of the population of Basildon descend from the same spanner.

The DNA Investigative Faculty of the University of Vange carried out the project, and it’s chairman was prompted to pop into B&Q after the ‘unique’ strand of DNA that was discovered matched nothing that their top scientists already had on record.

Professor Ronald Pipsil added, ‘We were absolutely stumped at first as the strands that were appearing in the lab had zero matches in our files.’

‘However, we noticed that one of the cell samples kept producing a microscopic chiming noise every time it was prodded with a microprobe.’

‘We analysed this sound wave and it sounded like some kind of metallic implement, and so we went to our nearest B&Q and collected a range of sample items.’

‘After running further tests, we noticed that 94% of the town’s population share a strand of DNA with a standard 8-inch spanner.’

‘It’s too early to say exactly how this could have happened, but a recent archaeological dig on the site of Festival Leisure Park uncovered the skeleton of a two thousand year old woman with a primitive spanner-like structure inserted in her tuppence as some kind of early man sex toy.’

‘To be absolutely sure, we sent a team of observers to the town centre, and to our astonishment the team recorded more than 100 instances of spanner-like behaviour within a two-hour period – headbutting walls to gain entry when there is door two feet away, diving head-first into the waterless fountains, wearing a West Ham kit … anything like that really.’

Michelle Garridge was born in Basildon in 1981, and she told Southend News Network that the news was ‘hardly surprising.’

She added, ‘I have had my suspicions for a while now.’

‘Every now and then, I get this overwhelming urge to wrap my mouth around a nut.’