A survey carried out by Southend News Network has revealed that more than 86% of CVs for job applications are being REJECTED because applicants are leaving out vital SATs results from when they were seven years old. 

Nathan Fuqual is head of the British Recruitment Federation, and he told our Chief Reporter that the majority of British employers view not being able to describe why the Gruffalo was angry eleven years previously can be ‘an absolute deal breaker.’

He added: ‘What’s the point in parents sticking an iron rod up their kid’s ass if more than ten years later they leave it off their CV.’

‘Personally, I would want the whole world to know if the Year Two version of myself was able to add together nine and thirteen just in my head without having to describe my working out in minute detail.’

We caught up with 11-year-old Martin Prudnose who is about to start senior school, and he told our Chief Reporter that nothing helped him get over the horror of being conscripted into multiple 11+ revision sessions better than spending an hour writing an angry letter of complaint about a substandard Cornish Pasty.

He added: ‘It was like my parents were living out their failed grammar school dreams through me.’

‘One day I hope to be able to sit down with my own three-year-old children and start mentally preparing them for verbal reasoning.’

Dr Clive Gland is the headteacher of Burnett Avenue Primary Academy in Westcliff, and he said: ‘Ofsted have already confirmed to us this week that SATs are not the be all and end all.’

‘All they did say is that if our children were under that national average then they would come and cut my Jacobs off.’