A spokesperson for the Football Association has confirmed that the England Football Team has been expelled from Russia and removed from the World Cup after the squad was accused of theft from a local farmer in Volgograd. 

A source said, ‘They were just finishing breakfast in their hotel this morning, when the police burst in with an angry farmer.’

’He screamed, ‘There! That’s my plough horse. They took him.’ while pointing crazily at Harry Kane, and when the Tottenham striker could only offer a few incoherent grunts in return their suspicions were confirmed.’

’Gareth Southgate tried to buy them off with a pair of Bull Boys shoes, but the team were immediately escorted to the airport.’

FIFA have confirmed that Islamic State will be offered the newly-vacant place in Group G to demonstrate solidarity.