A spokesperson for the European Union has confirmed that the United Kingdom’s Brexit ‘divorce bill’ has now been reduced to zero after the total number of allied casualties from the Second World War were taken into consideration.
Jerome Robsonne of the EU’s Brexit Department said that there is now ‘irrefutable evidence’ to confirm that the two concepts are linked in every conceivable way possible.
He added, ‘Jean-Claude Juncker was browsing through Facebook on Thursday evening when he noticed a meme that included a picture of a war cemetery and a caption stating that this was somehow an illustration that the United Kingdom doesn’t owe the European Union a single penny.’
‘It declared that it was in fact paid in full, and ‘paid’ was spelt incorrectly with a ‘W’ for extra impact.’
‘Mr Juncker took a sip of sherry, and then a further twelve sips of sherry, and then declared that both his opinion and indeed the opinion of the entire EU leadership had been changed by such an evocative representation of the whole situation.’
‘There is now even talk of Brussels giving the United Kingdom a €500bn ‘goodbye payment’ just to make sure that the whole transition goes as smoothly as possible.’
Mr Juncker added, ‘Whatever they want, tell them they can have it.’
‘Let Michel and Guy know as well that they should roll over completely and give the United Kingdom the most one-sided, favourable deal since those two Argentinians signed for West Ham.’