A source within Brussels has confirmed that all frontline reception staff in EU offices have been instructed to pretend to be a Chinese takeaway every time Theresa May rings up.

Anger at Mrs May’s repeated attempts to change the terms of the Brexit Agreement has led to a memo being circulated with her phone number on it, along with the order to answer every call with, ‘Hello. Wok ‘n’ Time Directive. How may I assist you.’

He said, ‘I used to think that we were experts in not taking ‘no’ for an answer, especially with votes over the Lisbon Treaty, but she is something else.’

‘She legit turned up the other day with the same agreement in her hand, but she also offered us the contents of a ‘mystery box’ with a glittery question mark on it.’

‘When we politely refused, she said we could even have a 1991 Austin Metro if we could throw 101 or more in six darts. She’s proper lost it.’

‘To be honest, we’d rather have that ISIS sort over for tea and Jaffa Cakes.’