Southend News Network has learnt of a shock revelation in the upcoming Chilcot Report regarding the UK’s involvement in the second Gulf War from 2003. According to a leaked email that has been seen by the Chief Reporter, Tony Blair’s decision to commit British troops to the war effort was split 50:50 between Saddam Hussein’s ‘weapons of mass destruction’ and the government’s desire to avoid the expense of hosting the Eurovision Song Contest for the next 100 years.

A senior source in the government spoke to our Chief Reporter earlier today. He said: ‘The Eurovision Song Contest is incredibly expensive to host, and by 2003 we had already spent a number of years under the Irish approach of entering complete and utter rubbish to ensure that the title went elsewhere. However, the start of the 21st Century saw a resurgence in British music, and it was already hitting the heights of the Katrina and the Waves era – the risk of winning Eurovision had never been greater. Therefore, some of my colleagues had the idea that perhaps a costly, ill-advised and ultimately unpopular foreign invasion would turn the rest of the continent against us, and one way or another it seems to have worked.’

He added: ‘If you look at the Eurovision landscape now, it is clear that we made the right decision. As it stands in 2016, we could enter a supergroup that consists of The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and Elton John, and we would still score fewer points than a badly-tuned nun from Lithuania.’

Unfortunately for the current and past governments, a wider enquiry is now expected to see how many other recent major policy decisions have been linked to not wanting to host the Eurovision Song Contest. David Cameron’s ongoing referendum project is said to be driving anti-UK sentiment harder than ever before, with some political commentators even predicting that the British team could be relegated next season.


  1. So in 2014 Russia annexed the Crimea peninsula this enabling Ukraine to have an excuse to write a song against Stalin and his treatment of the Tatars in 1944 and win the 2016 Eurovision song contest.

    Is this contest just a long-term political fix?