Excitement is building this morning as a nation that is riddled with gun crime, cocaine and a pretty dodgy government is preparing to take on Colombia in the last 16 of the World Cup in Russia.

Having already beaten the global footballing behemoths of Tunisia and Panama, England manager Gareth Southgate told the press that he was feeling ‘confident’ about the match.

He added, ‘It’s going to be a tough game, but as long as we end up with a tally of goals that is higher than theirs I am pretty sure that we will be able to progress to the quarter finals.’

‘On the other hand, if for one reason or another we end up with a net total of goals that is less than theirs, we will be on the next plane home.’

Expert pundits agree with Southgate’s prediction.

Alan Shearer told our Chief Reporter, ‘If there is one thing that I have learned during my extensive playing career at teams including Southampton, Blackburn Rovers and Newcastle United, it will ultimately boil down to the team that manages to put the bag of air into the netty rectangle more.’

Ex-West Ham star Julian Dicks added, ‘Yeah what Alan said. Wallop!’

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