Experts in retail economics have warned that the middle class of the United Kingdom will be WIPED OUT completely if the John Lewis-owned supermarket Waitrose goes under – yesterday bosses at the chain warned that profits will be ‘near zero.’

Jemimah Perineum-Jones is a mother of five from Leigh On Sea in Essex, and she told Southend News Network that she would rather drive her whole family into The Thames than feed them ethically-questionable ham from Tesco.

She added, ‘Surely if the worst should happen, the government would be obliged to step and set up Waitrose food banks for those who are affected.’

‘They could even get products from M&S Simply Food to try and bridge the gap.’

‘Of course there will also be psychological damage. Waitrose offered me the perfect ‘safe space’ where I could use activewear to demonstrate that I had just been to Zumba.’

‘You simply can’t do that in Lidl. Lidl customers wear activewear because they are going to Lidl, and to make matters worse they have probably bought it in Lidl.’

At this stage in the interview, Jemimah broke down in tears before proceeding to disappear up her own arsehole.

A spokesperson for The Samaritans confirmed that they would be taking on extra staff as a precautionary measure due to the ‘devastating impact’ of being forced to drink Fanta instead of San Pellegrino Orange.