Reports have just reached Southend News Network that the explosive wreck of the WW2 ship the SS Richard Montgomery has STARTED MOVING as a result of the tidal surge that is currently sweeping in from the North Sea and down The Thames.

According to witnesses, the volatile vessel started floating towards Southend Seafront at 8.30pm on Friday evening, and a group of fishing boats managed to intercept it and push it back towards Kent.

When the wreck was within 100 metres of the North Kent coastline at 9.45pm, another group of fishing boats managed to push it back the other way. It has been estimated that it will reach Thorpe Bay at around 10.25pm this evening, and the Essex-based fishing boats are already in position to return Kent’s shot.

Crewmember Willie Winkle said: ‘We can keep this up all night if we have to. To be honest, it is sort of disintegrating with every passing shot – our last forehand-slice made it start hissing a bit and I swear there was a green flash.’

‘I just hope that we get the timing right or it will f**k Canvey up something rotten.’

Professor Ordnance Survey of the University of Vange told our Chief Reporter that this sort of situation would have been expected with the level of surge that was tiding.

He added: ‘Think of the the current situation as a giant aquatic game of Pong, except instead of a small white square you have enough TNT to redraw the map of Northern Europe.’

We asked a representative of the Kent fishermen for a comment about the ongoing emergency, but no interpreters were available at the time of going to press.