The entire Facebook network has collapsed after a woman from Basildon ended a post with 72 hashtags – 34 of which were more than seventeen characters long.
A source within the social media giant told our News Team that the sheer weight of the post caused an immediate power surge at their Narcisto Valley data centre, deep in the Nevada desert.
Shortly before 8.45pm on Monday, Michelle Garridge posted:
Carnt believe my little Tyler-Domestos is already three months old how cute is he I cud scream he is the cutest thing to Eva fall out my tuppence xxx
We have chosen not to reproduce all 72 hashtags here due to fears that a repetition could take out the entire Internet, but the onslaught of attention-seeking f*ckery included ‘#tylerdomestosissocuteicouldeathimallup,’ ‘#proudmummywhoisdefinitelyprouderthanalloftheothermummies,’ and for some reason ‘#loveisland.’
Our source added, ‘The reason for the complete failure of our technical and networking infrastructure was that our News Feed algorithm noticed that Ms Garridge’s privacy setting is ‘friends only’ by default.’
‘Therefore, it calculated that the probably of someone on her friends list searching for ‘#proudmummywhoisdefinitelyprouderthanalloftheothermummies’ was relatively minimal, and this sent the whole system into a rapid shutdown.’
Psychology expert Dr Hark Marvin said, ‘Ms Garridge seems to be suffering from some sort of delusion here.’
‘The real life equivalent would be ending every sentence by clapping your hands and making loud cavewoman noises while wearing a police siren on your head to ensure that everyone is listening to you.’