In the latest policy update from Facebook, it has been confirmed that the social media network will be ‘cleaning up’ newsfeeds by automatically deleting a number of different types of post.

Southend News Network has summarised the announcement below, and users who repeatedly find their posts being removed under the new rules could find themselves under a 30-day ban.

What time does <> open today? – This information is easily obtainable on Google, and many establishments even go to the extreme lengths of putting some sort of poster in their window in a clearly visible location.

I have just been for a run (with exact time and route) – Facebook users don’t follow a similar pattern every time they go for a shit, so why should runners feel the need. It would be like posting ‘Fred just ejected a 1.2 pounder into his toilet bowl’ with some kind of diagram showing the amount of backsplash and angle of entry.

Oh, you’ve just shaved 13 seconds off your 5k time? Please excuse me while I go and masturbate profusely due to the overwhelming excitement of it all.

I’ve had enough (without saying why you’ve had enough and asking people to send you a private message for the full scoop because they are obviously dying to know) – These posts serve absolutely no purpose to human civilisation, other than to furnish you with a truck load of attention.

Bonus points for telling people that ‘they know who they are.’

Fumming isn’t the word! – More to the point, ‘fumming’ isn’t even ‘a’ word, let alone ‘the’ word.

Photos of cocktails – They are slightly elaborate alcoholic drinks. Whoopee doo. Unless you are making a George Michael tribute video, knock it the fuck off.

Shares of holiday competitions from pages that are blatantly rip offs – Center Parcs will never put 50 ‘surplus’ holidays into glittery gift bags and give them away to whoever likes their page and shares the post, you dumb, gullible fucks.

Comments on these posts that give someone’s whole life story to try and improve their chances will also be removed. ‘I disserve four nights at Senter Parks because my hamster has fibromyalgia’ etc.

I’ve lost my phone so inbox me your numbers please – Yes Laura, you have just successfully managed to ‘lose’ your phone for the tenth time in three years, you self-centred, attention-seeking twat.

I have culled a number of my Facebook friends, so if you can read this then congratulations! – Congratulations for what Susan? Winning the right to continue having access to your regular fuckery? How long did it take you to comb your way through your 27 contacts? Fuck off.

Don’t share this. You must cut and paste it to raise awareness of cancer – Just what exactly will happen if I press the share button? You know the button that Facebook adds precisely so that people don’t need to cut and paste text, which can be an utter bastard on a smartphone anyway. If, God forbid, I was lying on an oncology ward trying to recover from my umpteenth batch of chemotherapy, I honestly would not give a flying fuck if you did decide to press ‘share’ instead of cutting and pasting. I can safely say, hand on heart, that I wouldn’t tear the intravenous line from my hand and hunt you down for committing such a disgusting act of disrespect against my condition.

More to the point, why the hell do people insist that you share the most stupid fucking things to raise awareness of cancer. ‘This arrangement of Duplo symbolises the struggle against cancer.’ ‘These grapes symbolise the struggle against cancer.’

How about just sharing a photo of someone who is battling against cancer, you virtue-signalling c*nts.

Posts that are literally about anything whatsoever – Whatever you are posting about, it will only lead to arguments, so Facebook will now be removing all comments that are about anything. Just drive somewhere quiet with your loved one, watch the sunset and then jump in the back for rough fornication under the glimmer of the moon. You’ll thank Facebook in the long run.