A spokesperson for Facebook has confirmed that the social media network will shortly be launching a ‘mute wedding’ button if their algorithm detects that a user won’t just shut the fuck up about it.
According to the announcement, the feature will apply from the ‘save the date’ shit six months beforehand right up until the ‘OMG I can’t believe this was a whole year ago’ message accompanied by a sepia soft focus close-up of a champagne glass.
They added, ‘Our research has showed us that nobody actually gives a flying fuck about a wedding if they are not actually there in person.’
‘Although as a user you may think that everyone wants a blow by blow account of the whole thing with at last ten meaningless, lengthy hashtags per post, the reality is that they are all contemplating sticking a brick through your skull.’
‘As a responsible social media network, we need to stop this from happening, and so this is where the ‘Mute Wedding’ button will hopefully stop needless bloodshed.’
‘This will also help to promote the idea that you or your close friend or relative are not actually the first people to ever get fucking married.’
Social media expert Jennifer Frenula told Southend News Network that although the new measures are welcome, there is still more to do in this field.
She added, ‘Being able to mute these posters is a step in the right direction, but personally I would also like the facility to incarcerate them in a shipping container and dump them into the North Sea.’
‘I swear to Christ that if I see one more picture of twenty identically dressed pricks in pink t-shirts at some resort on the Costa Del Prosecco screaming about having some sort of ‘messy one’ …’