A spokesperson for Facebook has confirmed that all users will soon see a ‘revolutionary’ new tool that they will be able to access when something appears on their newsfeed that they don’t like.
The network’s VP for user engagement Natasha Wun-Too said: ‘For the first time in the history of Facebook, our users will be able to access our groundbreaking ‘Scroll The Fuck Past’ tool.
‘The technology behind it is based upon a precise scientific algorithm that actually takes place within the user’s brain and central nervous system.’
‘As soon as their eyes catch glimpse of something that they don’t like, the optic nerve carries a ‘no likey’ signal to the brain, and at this stage instructions are sent through the central nervous system to the user’s fingers with the instructions to firmly press down on the device’s screen, hold the digit in place and then move the digit upwards until the offending content is clearly out of sight.’
‘This is a massive breakthrough as far as we are concerned, because until now the only option for users has been to tap on the piece of content and just be a general dick about it.’
We asked Ms Wun-Too if there was anything that could be done to tackle the problem of people repeatedly seeing items of content from a source that they don’t like.
She replied: ‘If user’s find that our ‘Stop showing me items from this page or person’ isn’t to their satisfaction, an alternative would be to insert their head into their rectum so that the inner walls of the anal cavity obstruct their line of sight to the Facebook-compatible device.’
‘In the event that this isn’t practical, they can also just apply the ‘Scroll The Fuck Past’ method that I described before.’