A Facebook Mum has revealed that she is ‘devastated’ after discovering that she isn’t the first woman in the history of Facebook to have a fucking baby. 

Michell Garridge gave birth to a healthy baby boy called Texico three days ago, and immediately crafted a photo and video posting schedule with maximum user engagement in mind.

However, after 24 hours, it became clear to her that she wasn’t the first Facebook user to shoot a minuscule human from her clownhole and ride the wave of newborn engagement hysteria.

She said, ‘I was literally just getting off the phone to Sky about creating a 24-hour rolling news channel dedicated to Texico, when I suddenly noticed that this other bitch had the same idea as me.’

’I immediately reported her to Facebook for infringing upon my unique selling point, and then I saw another five people who had turned their Facebook wall into a contest to see who could post the most emotive soft-focused baby image with the filtriest filter.’

’I even discovered that someone back in 1954 had stolen my idea of a monochrome baby portrait. It’s disgusting.’

We asked Michelle how she was coping with motherhood in general.

She said, ‘It’s a rollercoaster of emojis.’

’He woke up screaming at 3am this morning because he was hungry, and by the time I had got a photo, edited it and put it on Instagram he had become inconsolable.’