A spokesperson for Facebook has confirmed that the social media network will soon begin removing all posts containing questions that could be answered in three seconds on Google.
The new policy is a result of a class action lawsuit in Brussels by the US search engine giant, whose lawyers have successfully argued that Facebook has taken a significant market share for search activity relating to questions such as ‘what time does ASDA open today’ and ‘does anyone know if Boots can reattach a thumb or do I need to go to A&E.’
Facebook’s European VP for JFGI Shawna De Flipflop added, ‘We analysed every single question asked in Facebook groups across the United Kingdom, and we discovered that 88% of these posts could have easily been answered by hopping onto Google and entering a shortened version of the question – this saving even more valuable time.’
‘For example, ‘Does anyone know what time George opens in Shoeburyness because I have to change Kai’s shoes for a bigger size before he starts school am so proud of him can’t wait until he starts their properly’ can be cut down to ‘George Shoeburyness Opening Times.’
‘We understand that it can be a slight inconvenience to close the Facebook app and open a web browser, but on the plus side you won’t get a load of other people jumping on the bandwagon by typing ‘F.’
‘The exact meaning of this single-letter comment has been a mystery up until now, but it has emerged that it stands for, ‘Fuck me I am too dumb to tap the button saying ‘Turn on notifications for this post.’
In a follow-up email later in the day, Facebook also confirmed that a number of other types of posts will soon be removed automatically to try and clean up people’s newsfeeds.
Anyone posting a cut and paste statement to try and see content from more than 26 pre-defined Facebook friends will see their post disappear, along with anyone who genuinely thinks that P&O Cruises have put 50 all-inclusive around the world mega super duper cruises into glittery little gift bags with wanky envelopes.