A girl from Southend has demanded a nomination for the BBC’s prestigious Sports Personality Of The Year award after she went out for a run on Sunday morning and posted about it at regular intervals via Facebook and a third-party app. 

Stacey Jones, a 33-year-old mother of none, told Southend News Network that she is adamant that shaving eight tenths of a gnat’s cock off last week’s 5K time is the greatest sporting achievement in the history of civilisation, and she also hinted that she is feeling confident about the big night.

She said: ‘If I am being honest, I sometimes feel that the fitness and endurance part of my training overtakes the Facebook engagement aspect, which is a shame.’

‘I do worry that my friends want to know more about my runs than the time from start to finish, and this is why I love being able to let them track me in real time. They can come down and cheer me on if they like, but I can’t stop and even acknowledge them as I am in ‘the zone.’

A BBC spokesperson said: ‘Stacey deserves her place on the nominations list after her efforts on Facebook over the last few weeks, and we may even cancel the voting process and just award the main prize to her outright.’

‘Running while under the pressure of constant social media engagement is utterly terrifying, and it requires an incredible amount of mental strength and at least an hour in make up.’

‘Stacey has been recognised in this manner as she manages to balance running with her full-time job and her social drinking commitments. She posted a picture of a cocktail last week and everyone on the nominations panel just looked at it and said in unison ‘oh look, it’s a mojito!’ She is an example to us all.’

In a late development, representatives of sportswear giant Adidas have confirmed that Stacey has been awarded a £35m three-year sponsorship deal that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she has an arse like two cantaloupes in a sock.’