A Downing Street spokesperson has announced a new initiative called the Self-Isolating Middle Class Family Of The Week Awards to recognise their incredible efforts to make the rest of us scream ‘fuck off you self-obsessed, narcissistic shitc*nts’ every 11 seconds on Facebook.

Nomination forms will be dropped off with all Ocado deliveries from Mondays to Thursdays, with the top five families all being invited to make sixty-second video clips to show how generally fucking amazing and culturally enriched they are for the experience in a Friday evening live stream in front of a panel of judges.

The spokesperson said, ‘The judges are looking for a number of key elements, such as Mummy declaring that Rishi Sunak is ‘a bit hot’ and regular Thursday videos of themselves clapping for the NHS, in spite of the fact that they all voted Tory because Jeremy Corbyn was a threat to Daddy’s six-figure salary as a ‘trader,’ whatever the flying fuck he’s trading, probably something that is only understood by people who regularly inhale cocaine off a prostitute’s labia or something.’

‘Extra credit will be awarded when the children are photographed learning a language from a place that they are not likely to ever visit or use, such as a dialect only known by the over 90’s in Papua New Guinea.’

‘To be fair, it’s better that we get the awards up and running now, instead of a month further into their lockdown journey when they run out of ideas and it suddenly hits home that in reality they are no better than the parents who work for the NHS and would love nothing more than to enrich their little Hermiones and Mercutios instead of fighting something that could fucking kill them because their PPE resembles something you would get for free in a packet of Rice Krispies.’

‘They really appreciate it when they finish their shift, say goodnight to their little ones from a safe distance, if at all, and then jump onto Facebook and get confronted by photo after photo declaring how fucking amazing, brave and groundbreaking you are for staying the fuck at home and having to live through the unspeakable trauma of being forced to carry out Friday’s Prosecco And Pringles Yummy Mummy Gossathon about who hasn’t had their roots touched up in more than three days over Zoom. C*nts.’