A spokesperson for Theresa May has confirmed that this evening’s COBRA meeting over the collapse of construction giant Carillion has been cancelled because there were ‘too many snakes in there.’
According to sources, the true scale of the problem only became clear around five minutes into the top-level meeting when the Prime Minister briefly glanced at her iPhone and noticed that fellow meeting attendee Nick Gibb, the Education Minister, posted that Mrs May was ‘talking shite as usual.’
When one of his junior ministers commented underneath asking him for more information, Gibb simply posted ‘can’t say here too many (snake emoji) will PM you hun xxx.’
It is thought that Gibb forgot that he had temporarily set his privacy settings to ‘Public’ because his previous wall post was an advert for 300 assorted VHS tapes and a Morphy Richards kettle that was ‘practically new.’
He is currently not Facebook friends with the Prime Minister after the pair fell out over an image that Mrs May posted that said ‘How many squares can you see?,’ to which he replied ‘Who gives a fuck seriously?’
Defence Minister Gavin Williamson allegedly updated his Facebook status a few minutes later to say, ‘What is it about big businesses led by people called Philip Green ending up as total clusterfucks? OMG like totes weird.’
The COBRA meeting was suspended shortly after this when Mrs May posted, ‘This cabinet room is full of sneks well I don’t care I don’t need any of them it’s just me and my Philip from now on don’t need no one but my boo love you more than the moon and back xxx.’
In a further development, a Whitehall source confirmed that a ‘contingency plan’ has been put in place for the construction of HS2 since Carillion’s collapse.
According to a leaked email, the current preferred choice will be a ‘strongly worded letter’ to Richard Branson ordering him to run trains faster on the West Coast Main Line.