A spokesperson for the British government has confirmed that people with minor symptoms of Coronavirus will only be able to get tested if they have underlying wealth conditions, such as having a fuck ton of it.

The announcement came after confusion was growing amongst the general public about my Boris Johnson, Matt Hancock, Prince Charles, and literally anyone else who probably wipes their arse on twenties has managed to get a test without literally being on the verge of carking it.

He said, ‘We could always get front line health workers tested en masse, but we really don’t want to give them anything else to worry about.’

‘The important thing to remember is that these high-profile people are setting an excellent example by self-isolating and working from home.’

‘His Royal Highness in particular has been opening things all week. Doors, cupboards, copies of Mumbling Horticulturalist Monthly … you name it.’