The UK government has declared an official state of emergency after the middle aisle of a branch of Aldi in Yorkshire ran out of random shit.

According to sources, all events up until now haven’t given Boris Johnson and his cabinet cause for concern, but the discovery that the German supermarket didn’t even have a cordless blowtorch in stock automatically triggered a meeting of COBRA.

One source said, ‘Blowtorches aside, there was not a single tarpaulin, pouffee, porcelain urethra cleaner or imitation George Foreman grill to be seen.’

‘Under the government’s statutory benchmarks for emergency state declaration, a lack of stock in an Aldi middle aisle is basically at the same level as Putin pressing the big red button.’

‘As a result, the army will now be redirected from basic produce and medicine restocking duties to visiting Argos depots and collecting end-of-line items before repacking them in boxes with funny German words on and making sure that no Aldi store runs out again.’