A spokesperson for the Department of Health has confirmed that the death penalty will soon be reintroduced specifically for ambulance crews who misuse their sirens in acts designed to boost morale.

It is thought that the measures have been announced as a result of a regrettable recent incident where a number of fire fighters were left needing counselling, intensive medical treatment and an intravenous supply of Jack Daniels Black Label after an ambulance used its sirens to wake them up in the middle of the night.

He added, ‘Although paramedics may spend the majority of their working day saving lives under the most ridiculous management conditions laid out by a faceless suit behind a desk somewhere called Crispin while eating a £14.95 fennel and ostrich salad from Prat A Manger, it is simply unacceptable to try and boost morale in this manner.’

‘We would like to remind all ambulance crews of their responsibilities – just save lives and shut the f**k up about everything else or you’ll now be liable for the chop. Literally. I’m not even talking about the Jewish definition.’

In a further development, a leaked government email has also revealed that paramedics should try and ‘look busy’ when they are waiting outside an A&E department with a patient due to a lack of space inside.

The electronic memo includes, ‘Members of the public cannot be under the impression that paramedics aren’t doing any work in this situation.’

‘Therefore, an effort should be made to appear hard at work by waving a stethoscope around or administering imitation morphine through a fake syringe.’

‘These measures are necessary because of an article that appeared in The Sun in January entitled, ‘Public Outraged After Paramedics Spotted Loitering Outside Hospital.’