A spokesperson for Public Health England has confirmed that a number of emergency indoor dogging complexes will be set up across the UK this week after temperatures of more than 30 degrees Celsius were predicted for Thursday and Friday.
Their statement read, ‘The conditions pose an immediate threat to life to anyone fornicating in a vehicle with the windows closed entirely for the pleasure of others, with the main threat being asphyxiation for anyone heading south of the border.’
‘Therefore, sheltered areas are being hastily arranged all over the United Kingdom for outdoor in-vehicle sexual enthusiasts.’
‘Members of the dogging community are being advised to call an emergency helpline, where directions will be given to both the arena and a safe viewing area.’
‘If you must insist upon hiding the sausage in an enclosed vehicular area, we would strongly advise taking plenty of talcum powder – otherwise anyone attempting the missionary position could slide forward violent and penetrate the windscreen with their skull.’
Local authorities across the country have the power to impose additional restrictions.
In Essex, council chiefs have announced patrols of well known dogging hotspots to ensure that no vehicles with leather interiors are present.
A source said, ‘We are cracking down after last week’s tragic incident in Basildon where a man attempting a reverse cowgirl was unable to remove his scrotum from the rear arm rest of a Skoda Octavia.’