A spokesperson in Downing Street has confirmed that the death penalty will be reintroduced for people who wrongly park across two spaces in ASDA.
He said that ‘exceptional circumstances’ will allow the Prime Minister Theresa May to bypass both Houses of Parliament on this occasion, and Her Majesty The Queen is believed to have granted the so-called Private Property Parking Space Abuse Act royal assent on Saturday evening.
It is thought that the campaign gained momentum after a recent incident at ASDA in the Essex town of South Woodham Ferrers where a wrongly-parked BMW led to three nights of fierce rioting and a number of fatalities.
Mrs May’s spokesperson added, ‘This emergency legislation will allow offenders to be executed on the spot ISIS-style by anyone with a ranking of ‘traffic warden’ or above.’
’It will also include provision for anyone parked in a disabled space in Lidl to be castrated, with their newly-removed knackers placed on a spike and paraded through the area by the local townspeople while they chant uncontrollably.’
’Parent and child spaces will also benefit from the new laws as offending drivers will be impounded with a £90 release charge.’
South Woodham Ferrers resident Virgil Lanté told Southend News Network that while he welcomed the new tougher punishments, he feels that they wouldn’t be enough of a deterrent.
He added, ‘The death penalty is a good start, but personally I would like to see the police taking things one step further by rounding up the motorist’s entire extended family, sticking them in a purpose-built space pod and sending them to eternally orbit Jupiter.’