A spokesperson for the Grammar Police has confirmed that officers will be carrying out ‘stop and searches’ in Southend Town Centre today.
According to their Community Liaison Officer for South Essex Michael Hype, patrols are being stepped up as a precaution after a mother was heard screaming ‘you ain’t getting nothing’ in a local branch of WH Smiths last weekend.
He added: ‘We want to have a visible presence to reassure the public that we take this sort of offence very seriously.’
‘If a young child hears English being used in an improper manner, studies have showed that the possibility of growing up into a life of crime increases by 47%.’
‘The shocking incident last weekend involved a three year old child, and thankfully he had been covering double negatives at pre-school earlier in the week – therefore he was able to logically deduce that he would in fact be getting ‘something.’
However, there have been some concerns of ‘socio-economic profiling’ by the officers involved when a similar operation in Basildon in October saw more than 300 members of the public being stopped after leaving a branch of Sports Direct.
Addressing these concerns, Mr Hype added: ‘Our officers have a duty to only act when their initial observation is that there is a risk of someone replacing ‘have’ with ‘of’ when using the past tense.’
‘As it is known that this can often occur when someone’s body is covered in more than 75% Lonsdale, my officers have to act accordingly.’
This development comes at the end of a busy week for the force in South Essex after a number of dawn raids were carried out in the county over allegations of historic apostrophe abuse.
To make matters worse, funding for their Facebook Mummy Group Division has been cut by 40% in the latest forecast after the county’s Police Commissioner took one look at the current caseload and mumbled to himself ‘what’s the fucking point?’