The Chief Executive of Greater Anglia has announced radical plans to replace buses with trains over the festive period, with some passengers even being given the opportunity to travel the entire length of the network on a single service.  

Sir Nigel Choo added: ‘We asked 1000 regular Greater Anglia railway users whether they would prefer using a train or a bus to travel around, and an overwhelming majority of them confirmed that they don’t pay £4000 per year to be taken on a meandering tour of East Anglia’s back roads.’

‘We had a long hard look at the way that our railway network is laid out, and we noticed that tracks have been laid in a direct manner between all of the region’s major towns and cities.’

‘With this infrastructure in place, it seemed illogical to put passengers on buses when we could run train services that are also faster and more convenient.’

We asked Sir Nigel if these plans would compromise vital engineering work that needs to take place on the line. 

He replied: ‘We ran a test service from Southend Victoria to Liverpool Street earlier this morning, and it arrived safely without mounting a platform or doing a loop-the-loop at Stratford.’

‘Therefore, we can conclude that the line doesn’t actually need to be engineered any more than it has already been. A guy from Network Rail looked at Shenfield the other day and made a tutting noise while sucking air through his teeth, but in hindsight he was probably just bullshitting.’

‘In the event that we do have to close a stretch of the Greater Anglia line, ticket holders will be able to use c2c services instead.’

‘When boarding the train at Fenchurch Street, Just ask the driver if he wouldn’t mind swinging by Billericay or Rochford on the way to Shoeburyness.’